Three Things of True Beauty

By Matt Baker

Sometimes I buy stuff to make myself feel better, if only temporarily.  I’ll admit it.  It may not be the most sensible thing to do, but I think everyone can identify with the thrill of a new purchase, and the bigger the purchase the bigger the thrill. Then that all normally comes crashing down as soon as you have an unexpected expense.  But in the meantime it is pretty sweet.  Alas that money is not infinite and I normally need to use small things like used games and silly t-shirts to give myself a boost.  But if that were not the case I think I’d go on a guitar buying spree.

There is very little that can match the beauty of a finely crafted guitar, to me, and I frequently dream about the kind of guitars I will one day own.  It may seem silly to buy more than one guitar, but all of the different styles have their own feel and sound, in addition to their physical aesthetics.  With that in mind I want to share a few of my favourites.  These are the three guitars I would one day love to have, in the order in which I would buy them.


Gibson 1959 Les Paul Standard

This is my all-time favourite guitar. Obviously I would be getting a reissue, not an actual 1959 Les Paul (a quick google search suggested their value is in the $240,000-420,000 range), but for my money nothing can beat the beefy tone of the dual humbuckers and the awesome sustain of the Les Paul.  And just look at the finish on that baby.  The see-through sunburst accentuates the archtop curves in a way that makes me tingle all over, like the curves of a beautiful woman.  How I long to caress your sweet neck and rest my hand across your waist...


Fender 1952 Telecaster

The Strat may garner most of the attention, but IMHO the Telecaster is where Fender truly shines.  The bridge pickup gives a clean, bright sound perfect for some country style rockin’, while the neck pickup gives a mellower bluesy tone for when your woman done you wrong.  The Tele is available in many colours and finishes, but I just love the classic yellow stain and black pick guard.  This is the sexy girl-next-door of guitars. I will totally be naming mine Mary Anne.


Gretsch Hollow body

These hollow body electrics are famous for their use in rockabilly and jazz.  Because they are hollow they have a fuller and richer sound than the solid bodies above and can be played unplugged, but can be prone to feedback when amped.  This gorgeous and voluptuous lady is just as at home on a quiet evening with friends as she is out at the bar.  She may have some meat on her bones, but she is fit as a fiddle and sexy as hell.

I don't even....

By Matt Baker
Sometimes you just have to write a blog.  You may not even know what it is going to be about, you may not even be looking at the keyboard while you’re writing it or even thinking about what the next sentence is going to be, you just have to write something.

I really like cereal.  I don’t eat it very often, but when I do it is with great gusto and copious sugar.  Because sugar really makes things better.  Did you have a bad day? Have some sugar.  Coffee too strong? Have some sugar. Medicine hard to take? Have some sugar. Love life getting boring? People say “add some spice” but trust me, licking hot sauce off of someone’s naked body is not nearly as much fun as licking chocolate sauce off.  Nobody wants your salty lovin’, they want your sweet lovin’.  When Bruce Campbell wants some female attention, it’s not herbs he demands, baby.  So, in conclusion, sugar is awesome. Unless you are a diabetic. Which I might soon be at the rate I consume sugar.

But in the meantime, burrowing owls are freakin’ awesome.  I mean, all owls are cool, but there is something about burrowing owls that tickles my funny bone, no matter what they are doing.  I could be looking at a video of a burrowing owl ripping the guts out of a small mammal and be all “burrowing owl, you so hilarious”. I think it is the extra long legs.

I really need to get some better ideas for blogs, because I don’t think I can do this again.  I’m the one writing it and even I’m only vaguely entertained by the very act of writing it. I apologize to everyone who actually sat through this. My brain is just really preoccupied with work/school and potential videos for the sketch comedy web series we have in the works. Which really makes it sound a lot slicker than it is going to be.  That said, we learned an awful lot during the making of our most recent project, a fake trailer for our website namesake “Space Babes From Planet V and the Zombie Squirrels of Doom”.  Mostly what we learned was that the less we are in front of the camera the better, unless what we’re filming is supposed to be comedic – we are ok at that. So our sketch comedy should work out fine. Stay tuned.

My Most Favouritest Memes

By Roz Young




The internet is a magical place. A place where kittens can has pieces of milk products crammed between delicious carbs with homogenized cow, and where there are always two rainbows that have somehow transformed a PopTart into a pixelated cat. It makes me very happy. Almost as much as morning coffee with lots of milk and sugar. Almost. (PS Coffee with dessert makes me even happier, but that often happens at night, and then I can’t sleep, and when I do, I get teh terrors and there’s some creepy old man with an espresso telling me that he doesn’t often have caffeine before bed, but when he does, he dreams about zombies...)
If you spend any time on the internet at all, correct that, you spend time on the internet. So, you are familiar with the art of trolling. The “people” of the internet are capable of producing vast amounts of useless shite that even I don’t find hilarious and I still like fart jokes. But, every now and then, you stumble across a moment of such brilliant, transcending insight that you spit milk out your nose and a little bit of pee escapes between gasps for air. Here... I’ll show you.

See! Hilarious! And then, it gets adopted by the sweet sweet brain behind Hijinks Ensue (http://hijinksensue.com/) and we have a great time wasting the afternoon away tweeting Monty Python mixed with LoTR. Lots of things on the internet, for apparently no particular reason at all, get absorbed by the borg collective that we are, and go viral. They become memes. We change them, caption them, co-mix them, and they are released back to the internet to be trolled by others. The meme is a strange and fantastic phenomenon you can read more about at www.knowyourmeme.com.
But I have favourites. Like my cats, one I would save from a fire and the other one, well, he can probably figure it out on his own. God speed little buddy. In order to share them with you, I must first spend hours deciding who I love the most, and rank them. Because the internet is about wasting time and arguing. And kitties.
5. Business Cat

This little black fluff muffin was innocently staring off into space, probably trying to decide if it was a spider over there or a piece of string, when he was snapped in a glazed state to be forever immortalized in a collar and tie. As Business Cat, the inefficient and hilarious feline of the office cubicle farm, this kitteh has stolen my heart. And my stapler.
I would like to add that all animals dressed as people are precious to me. You might also be lucky enough to have recently spotted the rare and fuzztastic Chemistry Cat circling the internets. I loves me some crazy poofy cats, and that guy has epic fur. Also, it’s combined with nerdy science jokes! It’s like peanut butter and chocolate, you can’t go wrong. Check out his adorable little HP glasses and bow tie. Bow ties are cool.

4. Cereal Guy

Now, cereal guy is a meme that mimics what I do while trolling the internet. I see things that shock me. And then I spew little nuggets of sugary tasty all over my laptop. This particular example of cereal guy points out one the best examples of boys who grow up to be unsuspecting, awesome hotties. Neville transforms throughout the Harry Potter books, becoming a pretty kick ass dude. It’s one of the best plots eber and I’m so sad it doesn’t get due justice in the films. Neville should have his own movies, someone should get on that.
3. Hipsterized!

You can put hipster glasses on pretty much anything, cleverly caption it, and I will laugh. Something about making fun of le hipsters is hilarious to me. I think it’s because they take themselves so seriously they don’t even know they’re hipsters until it’s too late. PS Matt has pre-hipsteritis. There are symptoms, like his music and film snobbery, that get out of hand sometimes. If he buys skinny jeans and a sassy scarf, I’m going to need an intervention. I particularly like the hipsterized Disney ladies. Probably because I’m a sucker for all things animated princess with musical numbers, and teh Little Mermaid is my favourite. Hipster kitty is also around, but you probably haven’t seen him.

2. Success Kid

This baby is a way better actor than me. I also think he kind of looks like Patton Oswalt... anybody? I love that guy. Oh, right, memes. What I like about success baby is being able to use this meme in my everyday life when things go awesome for me. It’s like “That’s What She Said” and is applicable all the time. Even when Matt doesn’t think so. Especially when Matt doesn’t think so. I offer this meme to you, my friends, so that the next time you order a small latte and they make you a large by accident and don’t charge extra, you can make a fist and press your lips together in a salute to the universe. This is a way to high five yourself when the little things in your life go right. Because the big things are probably all falling apart and suck completely and they can kiss my ass. But I dropped my pen on the floor, and when I went down to get it, I found a dollar. In your face, bitches.

1. X ALL the Y!
First, go to this website and read this blog.
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/06/this-is-why-ill-never-be-adult.html
Ok, now kill the remainder of your work day reading the rest of Allie’s website. Read about Alots, they are fascinating creatures. Websites like this remind me that I’m not alone. There are people out there that aren’t normal. They have something wrong with the bits of the noodling part of their brains and it’s folded in a shape like a unicorn or a sword instead of a complicated, surface area increasing spirally pattern that exists to make it hard for people to draw what brains look like. My people, if we had better social skills we could be together, instead, we have the internet and avatars.
Ok, X all the Y. The blog was originally about becoming an adult and getting inspired to “Clean All the Things”, and then of course, later losing the energy to be growed up and responsibible, sad panda face. I love the manic, arms in the air with abandon, first panel. But, I appreciate the hilarious use of the pathetic questioning second panel when appropriate. I will provide examples, but let’s all enjoy Allie’s original first.


HAHA!! Awesome. I recently used an X all the Y to get some laughs on a friend’s facebook page. A little paint action, and voila, you have your own version for the occasion. The internets have done great things with this meme and I hope it keeps going. I certainly don’t feel like slowing down anytime soon. Now, you can just change the text to X all the whatever you feel like, or you can modify the whole image. It’s about to get silly, hold on to your chapeau.


And for the Star Wars fans...

If you haven’t already heard, Matt and I are making “Space Babes from Planet V and the Zombie Squirrels of Doom” into a fake trailer. This has been a real learning experience. Like, Roz is an idiot and stands in the way of shots a lot. Also, when you aim a bucket of fake blood, it’s really hard to hit someone in the face with the splash from a few meters away. Matt made a mini-movie of some of my fails for everyone in our Squirrels of Doom facebook group to enjoy. He also made an X all the Y for my “Ruin ALL the Takes!”, and we all had a good laugh at my expense. You should check it out. In the meantime, waste ALL your time!

On Blogging

By Roz Young

Hi team! You might have noticed that Matt and I have begun posting our blogs on a blogging site, so that people can leave comments. And... also for shameless self promotion in the hopes that someone trolling the internets will run across our wisdom and love us. I’d like to share with you another awesome blog that you should check out. This is Jewel Staite’s food blog, Happy Opu. If you follow Jewel on twitter, you’ll see updates for her thoughts on noms.

http://happyopu.net/

Of course, you know Jewel for her adorable, space mechanic role on Firefly, the whimsical and sexy Kaylee. Turns out, she’s more than just a pretty face. She’s also a tummy, one that loves to be filled with delicious food and boozy beverages. I like that she says, “proving that actresses do eat” and posts lots of great pictures of tasty treats from interesting locales. Jewel tries out hot restaurants and is currently on a mission to learn about beer. As a microbiologist, I would like to high five that.

Blogging is a great way to keep the people around you updated on your adventures, without having to personally engage everyone. For individuals like Jewel (famous), there are probably thousands of people who are interested in her culinary diversions, and although I’m sure she’d love to talk chop with all of them, there just aren’t that many minutes in a day. If you’re like me (not famous, or even particularly interesting to your friends unless they have questions about zombies), it’s not that the masses are clawing for more of your time, it’s just that you don’t like to talk to people that much and a blog solves that messy problem of actual face time. Genius!

Jewel shares a lot of recipes on her site, and she is gosh darn hilarious. My recommendation, given the small amount of Italian in my genes, is her blog about Timpano. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, and you’ll wonder why people like me talk about Twilight.
http://happyopu.net/timpano-which-i-think-in-italian-means-this-better-be-worth-it

Now, food is not really my thing. Sure, I like to eat. And cooking is ok. But Matt is really the magic in the kitchen. He reads recipe books for fun and recently purchased several kinds of paprika for whatever the hell you might need that much of such a spice for. So, if you are a foodie of any sort, you should appreciate the musing of a like minded nompanion. Or sit around and drool while you stare at photos. It’s what the internet is for.