We Are All Pigs – Our Lists of Bimbo Babes and Brainy Beauties

Originally posted at www.squirrelsofdoom.com February 16, 2011

By Roz Young

I’m not ashamed to admit that I find some men more attractive than others. And, sometimes, they are just superficially beautiful and I would like to lick them more than I would like to listen to them tell me about their thoughts and feelings. Matt is adamant that men hate Twilight (ok, for many reasons I’m sure, but this is the one he’s running with) because women are too embarrassed to admit that they love Jacob and Edward solely for their bodies. Ladies are happy to go around accusing men of being pigs and lusting after the female anatomy, but won’t own up to their baser instincts. In honour of my own carnal impulses, here’s my list of men who can sit and look pretty for me, and the guys who are that much hotter because I think they might also have something interesting to say.
You’re So Pretty You Should Just Sit There And Smoulder

1. Cedward (Robert Pattinson)

We’re talking Twilight, so I’ll start with Rob. He was cast as Cedric in HP, a hot Hufflepuff boy and now he’s a sparkly vampire. You might love to hate him (oh internets, you can be so cruel) but I’m with the tweens, sadly. Swoon. Do I want to go for a beer with him? Probably not. He was a Hufflepuff.

2. Jared Leto

 Maybe it’s the blue eyes. The slightly scruffy? The occasional eye liner? He’s hot, what can I say. I think he’s a respectable actor and I think he’s a musician. I highly doubt we have much in common. Maybe he plays World of Warcraft? Why is that funny?

3. Orlando Bloom

I loved the elf in the books and I was not disappointed in the movies. But, while I am all over Legolas, I get the impression that there might not be a lot going on behind the smoulder that I would be interested in. He played a pirate. A hot one. MMm, hot pirates. Too bad real pirates were probably very smelly and terribly impolite.

4. David Beckham

This man is a superstar athlete and an underwear model. Wowza. I could just stare at him alllll day. But nobody’s perfect and I doubt Becks and I could rub two sentences together to make an awkward conversation go anywhere. That’s why we’ll just sit there in silence, him staring off into space and flexing, and me, watching beads of sweat sliding down his glistening muscles.

5. Hayden Christensen

 My beloved Darth Vader. Everyone knows I have a thing for the Dark Lord of the Sith. Even though the performance is debatable (Matt, shut it), I will forever love you Anakin. Sure, maybe they could have put <insert your ugly friend of choice> in the Vader suit and I’d have fallen head over heels for his asthmatic charms, but they didn’t. It was this dude. And he’s got nice abs and he’s adorable. Kisses!

These Guys, I Demand They Both Look Cute and Whisper Sweet Geeky Things In My Ear

1. Jesse Eisenberg  A little shy, but I can dig it. With movies like Zombieland and the Social Network, we’ll have plenty to talk about when we go for beers. Plus, I hear he likes cats. It’s win-win! I’m concerned this blog is making me sound both shallow and pathetic.

2. Matt Smith I had a tough time choosing between doctors ten and eleven, but I have to go with the bow tie. Bow ties are cool. Hot damn this show is awesome. I wish Matt (my Matt, not hottie Matt, um, this is getting weird, you’re both lovely young men) watched Dr. Who. He has no idea what he’s missing! A sexy new doctor, that’s what!

3. Joseph Gordon-Levitt Fangirls, amirite? So cute! JGL made our list last time with his excellent use of a vest in Inception, and that vest was all kinds of hot. He sings and dances and I think he could take his shirt off more often. I’ll just throw that out there in case anyone who makes these kinds of decisions is listening.

4. Nathan Fillion Heck yes! See, very hot, very awesome. We can talk about that time he came to our city and fought with a guy at the comic book store... I would love to hear all about Firefly and Castle and his thoughts on peanut butter (smooth or crunchy Nathan?). He’s forever my Captain.

5. Jason SegelLook at this picture! Look how cute this man is! He’s hilarious and adorable! I don’t think I’ve used enough exclamation points! You all know how I feel about Jason Segel and everything he does, so I won’t bore you with more... he’s making a freaking muppets movie! There, I’m done. (PS penis. Ok now I’m done.)

Honourable mentions: There are also some guys who are exceptionally hot (Ewan McGregor and Ryan Reynolds, and our fav these days James Franco {editor’s note: I think I would totally hit it off with James Franco}) who I think seem intelligent and interesting, but I just don’t see us going anywhere. Sorry guys. I have friends though, you know, if you’re looking.

Matt:
I feel like I should add in an equivalent list of female celebrities.  Unfortunately when I sat down to do this I had a surprisingly difficult time thinking of contemporary female celebrities whom I think are hot, but seem too dumb to converse with.  I’m not trying to say that I am superior to Roz (well, not for this reason anyway, mwahahahah!), it is just that female celebrities who are not worth talking to are usually full of fake plastic bits (which is a huge turnoff) or are famous for being dirty (I wouldn’t touch Lindsey Lohan with someone else’s).  But, with that in mind, here we go:

1. Angelina Jolie  I don’t find her as attractive as many guys do, but I’m not going to sit here and lie to you by saying I wouldn’t do her, given the chance.  She doesn’t seem dumb or anything, I just can’t imagine talking about anything with her. “So, how is hypocrisy treating you these days?” “Oh, really great! Just got back from a lovely weekend jaunt to an impoverished country to pick up a new race of baby for my set.” “Sweet.”
2. Zooey Deschanel  She is super cute and plays a wonderful Manic Pixie Dream Girl, but there does not seem to be much else going on.  Not to say that she seems dumb, I just can’t imagine any sort of conversation we could have.
3. Malin Akerman  Ok, so she can’t act and seems a bit dim – as long as she keeps that Silk Spectre costume around nothing else matters.
4. Kristen Bell  She’s been in a couple movies I really like, but since I’ve never seen an interview with her, I have to base my opinions on all the other movies she’s done and they do not bode well for her.  If it turns out that she is basically the character she plays in Fanboys I will retract everything I say here. 
5. Katy Perry  She is crazy hot and I think she’s probably not even as dumb as her persona, but still I don’t want her to talk.  Also, I hadn’t really noticed before, but she looks a lot like Zooey Deschanel.

Top 5 Sexy Female Celebrities I’d Actually Like To Hang Out With

1.  Felicia Day  If you’re wondering why she’s here, see my blog.  Also, you’re an idiot.
2. Elizabeth Banks  Hilarious and gorgeous!  Elizabeth Banks is consistently one of the funniest parts of anything she is in and can hold her own with the best male comic actors (as opposed to, say, Katherine Heigl who just gets lost and then complains that her part wasn’t written well enough).  Elizabeth seems like she would be quite witty and a ton of fun to hang out with.
3. Amy Adams  Amy Adams is rapidly rising the ranks through the part of my heart that is devoted to unattainable celebrities.  She first caught my eye in Enchanted, where she nailed the wide-eyed innocence of the Disney princesses, but it was the depth she showed through her roles in Junebug and The Fighter that convinced me she is more than just eye candy.
4. Scarlett Johansson  I wasn’t sure about including Scarlett on this list because she is such a classic bombshell that I’m pretty sure I would be unable to actually hold a conversation.  But then I realized that it is not her fault I’m such a dork and if I managed to stay coherent I’m sure we could have a great chat.  After all, she has recorded an album of Tom Waits covers (the album may not be great, but it shows her taste is awesome), appears on Robot Chicken, The Spongebob Movie and Woody Allen movies (so her sense of humour gets my approval) and she shows a lot of depth in her film roles that require it (it was a while ago, but she is super in Ghost World and who could forget Lost In Translation and Vicky Christina Barcelona).
5. Natalie Portman  Everyone knows about my enduring love for Natalie Portman, so I don’t need to go on and on about it.  She’s talented, smart, funny and politically conscious.  Unfortunately that last quality knocks her down my list a bit, because vegetarians who don’t wear animal products can get a bit tiresome.  But I could overlook that.